PodcastRebecca HassS3 3Comment

S3 E65: How to Come Back to Yourself

PodcastRebecca HassS3 3Comment
S3 E65: How to Come Back to Yourself

When life gets extra busy, it can be hard to stay connected to yourself and your creativity, and to stay rooted in what’s really important to you. I share the practices, journal prompts, and schedule parameters that I’m experimenting with in this busier season, to make sure I’m fueling my energy and creativity in a self-compassionate way - I hope they’re also helpful for you!

 
 

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  • Hello, everyone, welcome back to Being A Whole Person. This is episode 65, How to Come Back to Yourself. I'm back in the podcast saddle after summer break, and it's really good to be back. It feels like it's been a long time since I've recorded one of these. It's both exciting and a little strange. Also, many things have changed since I last recorded and said anything to you in real time. I was airing reruns all summer, so those were, of course, older thoughts.

    This fall, I am a lot busier with music things, which is really exciting after moving here three years ago, and having a pandemic really stole my ability to get to know the music community here. That's all really exciting, and also means a few changes on the coaching side of my work.

    So you probably heard me talk about the Compassionate Creativity Club membership that I launched in May. I really don't have the resources to keep running this membership this fall as things are really busy, so I'm pausing it until 2023, and I'll reassess as the new year comes up, to see what will fit into this puzzle of many things that I'm involved in. My favorite part of the Compassionate Creativity Club was the creative show and tell, and I am going to be doing a free one of those this fall, probably in November sometime. So keep an eye on this podcast and/or my newsletter for the latest news on that.

    I'm also pausing my self care workshop that I do each season, I'm skipping the fall one just because there's so much going on. If I'm going to give a self care workshop, that has to do with being kind to yourself, and making sure you don't overextend yourself, I need to walk my talk there! So I'm hoping that it will fit into the winter schedule. But also, I will announce when these things come up.

    The great news is that coaching is not going anywhere. I still have a couple spots for three month packages, and you can always book a one-time session via my calendar. If you have questions or want to learn about coaching, you can always do a free discovery call and learn more about it, get a couple tips to send you on your way. I'm thrilled to keep helping you in that capacity.

    Also, Coworking Club is still going strong, we're about to celebrate our first anniversary, and it continues to be really fun and really helpful. We get together every Tuesday from 1:30 to 3pm Pacific, and work on our stuff. Sometimes it's creative projects, sometimes it's admin, sometimes it's random life things, like you really need to call the dentist, you just need an accountability buddy or a few buddies to make sure you actually do it. People are continuing to love it, to get lots of stuff done in a compassionate and realistic way that takes your needs into account. So definitely check that out if that sounds helpful to you, you can try your first session for free anytime. There's a link in the show notes for all of this stuff. So that's what's going on.

    I'm also spending less time on Instagram these days, but I'm still there. I'm not doing any kind of regular posting schedule. Not sure how that fits into my life ongoing, but I do know it's a place where I love interacting with people. Definitely send me a message over there if you find me on Instagram. I'm hoping to also post more music stuff on there.

    I just got back a week ago from California Brazil Camp up in the Redwoods a couple hours north of me here in the Bay Area, and it was amazing. I've gone there eight times now, and it's always this immersive, wonderful experience that leaves me inspired to do new things. I connected with more people who play Brazilian music who live near me, and that was just really wonderful. So there's lots of musical inspiration happening, and I'm going to start posting more stuff, more videos of things on Instagram for sure.

    If you want to keep in touch with me, the best way is to keep listening to this podcast and/or sign up for my newsletter, Creative Wellness Letters, these will still be going out every other week as they have been. So that's what's up with me. I'm in the process of planning the next several episodes of the podcast. So if you have things you want me to talk about, definitely let me know I would love your feedback. And I would love to talk about things that are directly helpful to you. So you can always email me at hello@rebeccahass.com, send me a note on Instagram, wherever you can find me. I always welcome your feedback.

    So that's a long preamble. It's been a while since I have talked to you in real time here. But let's get into today's episode. This topic came up for me because it's very present in my life right now. How to come back to myself, AKA How do I take care of myself with this new busier schedule than I'd had before. We all go through seasons of our schedules being more busy and less busy. Sometimes it feels like it's a long time without a break. But if we change how we look at it, oftentimes there are ways to find pockets of time for yourself, and find ways to just still feel replenished and invigorated by what's going on in your life.

    I think one of the worst things about being overly busy, whether it's your choice or not, is not having that time and space to check in with yourself, and connect with what you need and what you desire, kind of zoom out and just see the big picture. If that's happening, this also might mean you're feeling disconnected from your creativity, or from your creative practice. Especially if your medium, your chosen medium, or your favorite medium isn't part of your job, it might feel even more distant and even harder to make contact with.

    So I was looking ahead at my schedule and having a moment of, not panic, exactly, but just seeing more blocks on the calendar. It's making me feel a little bit anxious, making me kind of unconsciously hold my breath, and I think, oh, now there's so many things going on. The reason that I feel that way is I worry about not having contact with my creativity, like I just said. If I don't play the piano for multiple days in a row, I start to feel crabby, purposeless, kind of like this faded or less colorful version of myself. Can you relate to that? I'm guessing that you can.

    If I look ahead at my calendar and start to feel my chest constricting, start to unconsciously hold my breath. I remind myself, I don't have to, and I can't deal with all of those activities at once. I literally cannot do 17 things at once. I only have to do the thing that's on the calendar at one time, at that time. So when I start to feel like that, I just say, “Okay, take a few deep breaths.” I looked deeply into this, I asked myself, “Why was I feeling this way? Exactly what was making this anxiety come up?” And I was really just afraid of losing that connection to myself.

    So, I opened a note on my phone, and I began writing under this heading, “How do I come back to myself?” I discovered through that exploration that when I'm too busy, what stresses me out the most is this underlying feeling of not being good enough, like I have to prove myself to each person that I'm working with. The more different types of work I do at once, or the more clients I have, or you know, as that multiplies, that feeling multiplies, because there are more people that I unconsciously feel like I have to prove myself to or, you know, show up for, do a good job. In my better moments, I know that I am up for the task, that I am reliable, and that I have the power to show up truly for all of these people.

    But, of course, our brains don't always stay in that mode. They worry about things, they try to protect us from anything that might go wrong. Reminding myself of that really helps. When I'm able to kind of let go of that feeling, or maybe not fully let it go, but at least loosen my grip on it. I can trust more that I'm indeed good enough to do this, whatever “this” may be, and then I can breathe again.

    The other thing that I worry about is not having enough energy to provide that inner support for myself, both in the form of, you know, talking myself down from a self-critical moment, or supporting myself through my creative process. If I don't have that energy, then I'm not able to do things that replenish my energy, which just compounds that stress. And so it's really essential to carve out those spaces, so that you have a little bit of time and mental space to say, what do I actually need right now? What would make this situation easier to handle?

    Of course, committing to having a strong relationship with yourself, is essential to having a healthy relationship with your creativity. It's all combined. But how do you actually do that, right? I can say that, and it's not necessarily an easy thing to do. I really believe that, in order to get good answers for ourselves, we have to ask good questions. If you are a reader of Creative Wellness Letters, you saw some of these questions in the last newsletter.

    Here's some of the questions that I asked myself about how to come back to myself. First, just how am I feeling right now? Just a simple check in - it doesn't mean that I need to attach any judgment to that feeling or act on it in any way. It's just a simple labeling the feeling and acknowledging it.

    Then asking, what exactly is making me feel overloaded right now? Is it too much time with people? Is it certain aspects of work that stress me out? Like, am I working more with someone whose energy is more challenging, for instance? Is it the stimuli from scrolling or too much screen time? Is it too many expectations of me? Is it too many expectations that I'm just imagining that other people have of me? Because that's very real.

    Another question is, what do I need to be reminded of during busy times? Then you can give yourself those reminders, either digitally, maybe it's a post-it note on the bathroom mirror, wherever you think a reminder is helpful. What parts of me do I feel like I lose or put away when I'm too busy? Because, that really goes to the core of why being too busy can be harmful for us.

    How can I infuse each activity with a little bit more of my best self?

    Where can I find clarity, even if only briefly, when I'm tired and depleted? Sometimes I worry that when I'm feeling too tired, too busy, that I'll never be able to think clearly or have the space to do creative things. But you know what, it surprises us sometimes, if you show up for creativity, sometimes even when you're exhausted, you might have one of those magic moments where something arrives that you didn't know is going to come.

    This next one is a big mindset one for me. How can I avoid feeling like I can't relax or do anything pleasurable when there's an activity coming up that requires me to be “on”? My anxious brain, sometimes it'll be like, “I have this thing at 5pm, so I can't really relax until then.” And, you know, if I'm in a more emotionally regulated state, that doesn't mean that I'm going to waste the whole day, but sometimes if there's something to do an hour from now, it's really hard to focus on something different when I know I need to leave the house, for instance.

    Then I love this question for all kinds of scenarios: How can I make this feel 10% easier? Or if 10% is too much, 1% easier? How can I make this just a tiny bit easier?

    So if you ask yourself one or more of these questions, this is an amazing self compassion practice in many different ways. First of all, you're treating yourself like you matter enough to even ask this question and to make time for this check in. Then your answers are going to bring you clarity on how to take care of yourself better. Every time you ask yourself a question like this, it's a great opportunity to just practice talking to yourself kindly. You get to tap into the wisdom of your best self, who knows you're doing your best and anytime you can strengthen that muscle, that's always good.

    As I thought about entering this busier season, I of course, thought about, what does my calendar look like? And where do I have space for myself? But I also thought about, what sorts of rituals could I do that will help me stay connected to myself? I always want to make sure that I have plenty of go-to rituals, self care practices, and plans for these busier times, so you don't have to think too hard about it. Because when you're overwhelmed, you really don't have the mental space to think too hard about it. This is exactly what I say during my self care workshops.

    So perhaps you'll find some ideas in here that you want to try, too. Some possible rituals I came up with are energy sorting, which means thinking about returning other people's energy back to them and returning my energy back to me. So it's especially helpful if I'm caught up in other people's expectations of what I should be doing, or fictional expectations that I think they have about how well or what I should be doing.

    You can do a ritual with water, like, you feel like you're literally washing the negative feelings off of you. This can be in the shower, or a bath or something like that. Releasing the need to do things perfectly. I don't care about this, as much as I once did. I consider myself a recovering perfectionist. But that always means that we might return to some of our old thoughts, they're always still in there, they might come back, that's okay. Now that I have more confidence, as a piano teacher, and as a coach, and a musician, all of these roles that I find myself in, I don't get hung up in the perfection as much as I once did. But it can bring back these familiar feelings at any time. So it's okay, if that comes up. You get to practice again and again, if that comes up for you.

    Any kind of grounding practice, like imagining myself as this strong pillar, or like a tree with roots in the ground, that makes me feel a lot more connected to myself, and less like I will metaphorically blow away in the wind, with all that's happening.

    Taking a moment to just get in touch with my best and wisest self to find out what I need. If you don't know who that is for yourself, that can take some exploration. You probably know, though, when you feel like your best self. You can strengthen this image, maybe it's you as your older self, and you're kind of looking back to give yourself advice. There's all kinds of ways that you can picture this.

    Checking your filters, you might have some boundaries in place about your screen time, for example. Or you might have this block of time on Sundays when you know you get alone time. So, checking what needs to be filtered out, like maybe you need more of this dedicated time for yourself. Maybe you need better filters on your internet time. Maybe you need better filters on when people are spending time with you. Whatever that is for you, check your filters, see if they're working for you right now.

    That also includes making rules on your time. For instance, right now, I have one evening of piano teaching per week. On that day, I'm going to want to limit the other “people time”, even if that's in the form of Zoom calls, so that I don't get super overloaded. I also want to plan recovery time that evening, so that I can just come back to myself. Ideally the next morning, too, could be a quieter morning. I always plan a rest time after each coaching call that I do so that I can sort of come down from the people time and also just kind of process and integrate what happened.

    Setting more limits on my social media and internet time is always a huge one because that makes me feel extra overstimulated. More quiet time in the evenings is something I want to experiment with. I haven't been doing that lately, I've been mostly watching TV in the evenings. That's not bad or good, necessarily. But sometimes after busy days, I need more quiet, and I need just no sound, even from something relaxing, like watching a show.

    I need to carve out some “me time” on the weekend, also time with my partner so that he and I have dedicated time together. You know, all these things that are priorities, I just need to make a space for them. I call those my big rocks, so to speak. You might have heard of this metaphor, like if you put a whole bunch of sand in a jar and then a bunch of pebbles, and then the person asks you to put in these bigger rocks in the jar, there's no room because there's all these other things in there. And, you know, the idea is that the pebbles and sand are the less important things, and the big rocks are the more important things. So If you put the big rocks in the jar first, the other stuff can go around it. It's not a perfect metaphor, but I always think back to these big rocks when I'm thinking about priorities.

    If you want to go deeper on this, you can check out my e-book, which is called Fuel Your Creative Work With Compassionate Productivity. It goes into more of a method for, how do you actually create your schedule around this stuff.

    So when it comes down to it, if you're heading into a busier season, being intentional is going to be the most important thing, as much as you're able to. This probably means trying to be proactive, rather than reactive, because once you get really busy, it's just easy to fall into reactive mode all the time. That's definitely not inherently bad, but it just might not leave you the space for actually planning out some time for yourself.

    So I wanted to plan out my time better, because I'm finding that I have more things that I want to do that I don't have enough time and energy for. That's the eternal struggle, right? Especially for those of us who are multi-passionate, and we really like doing a lot of different things. So I'm accepting that in this season, where I have more music things going on, I'm intentionally doing less in certain other areas, like perhaps spending time on social media or marketing, specifically, there.

    Then when you're intentional, and you're saying, I am going to pull forward on certain things, I'm going to pull back on these certain other things, not forever, but that's intentional. And it's okay to not do all the things because I can't do all the things. So that really gives you permission to not feel behind all the time, that feeling is one of the most stressful feelings.

    Proactive scheduling also doesn't have to mean you're scheduling out every single thing every single hour. If that feels too complicated to you, then it's too complicated for you right now, that's totally fine. I'm thinking for myself that I'm only going to schedule out a couple things like a morning, journaling and spiritual practice for 15 minutes. If it's more, that's fine, but just having that little space to check in with myself in the morning, having my morning walk, and then also scheduling piano practice time. Those are the things that I'm scheduling on the calendar. I'm not really scheduling out every inch of my day, otherwise, just kind of knowing that I have certain priorities, and certain things that need to be done.

    Perhaps I'll experiment with time tracking a little bit more so that the things I do repeatedly, I kind of have an idea of where they can fit in. But you know what, if that sounds like too much complication, don't make it complicated if your life is already complicated. Start with the most important things first.

    So that was a kind of meandering episode about how to come back to yourself when you're too busy. I hope that you found it helpful. As always, I welcome your feedback or your celebrations, if you have done something really kind for yourself and you want someone to cheer for you. I'm here for that. So you can always send me an email or find me on Instagram, and I will be thrilled to hear from you. So I hope that all is well and that your fall seasons are off to a good start. I will see you here next time!

Pianist and composer